February was another month of uncertainty, many stuff happened as usual but I can thank God I managed to hang on through it.
My hyperventilation came back once again but luckily this time I'm aware about it and managed to calm it down in time using controlled breathing without the tranquiliser. So it's not as painful and paralysing as the first one. I promised myself that this FYP is the first, the last and the only thing that can cripple me like that. I'm supposed to be good in stress management, right?
My FYP is progressing finally but still with setbacks. Looks like my mosquito culture is the only thing that is obstructing me from performing my series of experiments. The latest straw was that out of almost 300 vials of pupae that emerge as adult mosquitoes, only 7 are male! After so much effort in culturing them... I can't perform my experiments with such lack of male mosquitoes. Hence I continue on typing and trying to cover as many chapters as I could while waiting for opportunity to perform the necessary experiments to fulfill my research. Deadline is more like a dread rather than a finishing line to me.
Lifeguarding and CF activites are slowly getting burned from my FYP. I start to dissipate slowly, something that I do not wish for my final year to end with. Yet I feel grateful that my comrades in LG and CF are understanding and supportive in such times.
I'm picking up more swimming skills. For now I'm trying my best to improve my butterfly stroke in time for MASUM. I may not be pro in this stroke (I am actually a freestyler) but swimming helps me to destress and to unload that energy in anger and frustration in a healthier way.
I miss my friends from high school more and more. What broke my heart the most is that I missed Fahizha's wedding and Jenna's return to Malaysia for summer holiday. How often these wonderful things in life come by?
I am starting to see more of my friends in USM on the inside. People who can be trusted, people who take advantages of me, people who are even willing to be sick on my account, people who smirks at my downfall, people who prays and consoles me, people who dread my existence in this place and people who are just a fleeting figures with names.
I had many interviews and secured two good job offers. Singapore or KL? I dare to say I'm more inclined to accept Singapore's offer. Job scope favourable, dollar sense irresistible, challenges enchanting...
What goes on after that graduation robe, scroll and mortar board?
Love? I do not know what else to say but I can safely say that I have now reached a point where I must make a decision... And something is happening, something else happens and another thing already happened... God knows what goes in my mind...
For once I miss my family dearly. We may be less than 50km apart but something happened that took away my time with them. Our phonecalls are getting longer and I start to cry, thinking if only I can do something for my family. Singapore may be a solution for me. Especially my dear lil sis, Eve and lil bro, Wei... As annoying and bratty they may be at times, I truly hold them dear to my heart. And my parents too, their gray hair and wrinkle lines are adding up from the hardship they have to endure, the pain they have to silently bear and the old age that is trailing them from behind. How could I be a better daughter and elder sister?
I'm talking too much here. I can't sleep and I'm trying to work on my thesis typing. Unloading my emotions. Hope it doesn't take away the iron woman/big sister/tough girl/mature lady image people have on me...
